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Internet Appliances

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Alan Herrell

Member info

User since: 30 Aug 1999

Articles written: 13

Let's take a moment and expand on the internet appliance paradigm.

7:30 AM You wake up in the morning feeling like you have been devoured by Godzilla and crapped off a cliff. You crawl to the bathroom and grab the Medic Alert Internet Appliance...... You insert it into the proper orifice(the sharp sensation you feel is the bloodwork probe), it dials up your doctor, and sends it's information to his Doctor 2000 program which, compares your symptoms against the database for you.

You have the flu. You need drugs. It writes a prescription, emails it to the pharmacy, which fills the prescription, and sends Harry, the delivery boy to your house, with the life saving chemicals. Since you belong to a (MCO)managed care organization, they receive an email to their database, notifying them that you are sick again, and will adjust your premium accordingly.

7:35 AM Also in the bloodwork was a high blood alcohol content reading, (We know it was a retirement party), but the Doctor 2000 program flags your file, and an email is sent to the nearest AA chapter, which dials your house with a prerecorded message urging you to attend the next meeting which is starting in 15 min.

7:50 AM The knocking on your door is Harry from the drugstore with your prescription. Since the drugstore is delivering, it has already wired the bill to your MCO, which has sucked the deductible out of your bank account, as well as the next premium increase. Your MCO file is flagged and you receive an email asking if you have dealt with your alcohol problem.

8:00AM Your television turns on and adjusts the volume up as you are still puking your guts out. Your set top box screams you've got mail! it is an commercial from the drugstore thanking you for shopping, and offering you more products to help you get back on track. Another window opens up in your tv, from the Medic Alert Internet Appliance Company offering to send you the Ugraded Medic Alert 2001 appliance. Since you have not responded in 30 seconds to this offer, it is shipped instantly(just like the book clubs) and your bank account is debited for the first of 300 EZ payments. Your Medic Alert has determined that you are still barfing, so it tells the House to open the door and directs Harry to your location.

Harry administers the life giving products and helps you back to your bed.

8:01AM The medic Alert has determined that there is virus particles on the floor,(yes, you are a bad shot), and emails the Daisy HouseKeepers, to come and clean your bathroom. Your pantry is queried and you are found to be woefully lacking in the proper disinfectants to ensure your recovery. An emergency email is sent to your grocery store for the products needed to abate this Now a Biological Hazard Cleanup. These products are dispatched at once! Again your bank account is debited for this.

8:10AM There is a knock on the door. It is Daisy to Clean. Your house permits her to enter. Her pager goes off. It is a alert that this is not a mop and glow situation, but HazMat. The house directs here to the kitchen, to wait for the delivery from the grocery store. The coffee pot starts and the house offers her a cup of coffee while she waits. Meanwhile, since the situation has changed from her original dispatch, her time and material program starts the meter running.

Since she has met Harry, he is brought into the loop regarding your Hazmat Cleanup, he grabs his palmtop and emails the drugstore for gloves, gowns, shoe covers, and Biohazard ''DO NOT CROSS'' tape. This flags the drugstore program, which by law must report this group of products as a Bio Hazard, emailing the Health Department.

8:20AM There is another knock at the door. It is the grocery store with cleaning supplies and a loaf of bread. (you were running low)

8:40AM There is another knock at the door. It is the Health dept. Biohazard Response Team. They are all wearing Level 4 Racal BioHazard suits, as the email the received said that your flu virus had not been classified at the time of dispatch.

8:45AM Your TV goes off again with new messages from Daisy, the grocery store, (Your printer starts printing money saving coupons), Notification from the Health Dept. regarding your Biohazard, and notifying you that your neighbors on both sides have been emailed regarding the developing situation in your house.

The Biohazard Team sets up an Isolation unit in your kitchen to test Daisy and Harry for Possible Infection.

The team leader enters your bedroom to interview you to determine the possible cause and source of your illness.

But you are in the bathroom again.

8:50AM Your TV goes off again with new messages from the drugstore (More money saving coupons) and your doctor. You have an appointment at the Clinic at 9:30AM

9:30AM The drugstore has delivered your cleaning supplies, and the cleanup begins.

9:45AM Your tv goes off again with a message from your doctor rescheduling your appointment in 2 weeks. Another message arrives from your MCO cancelling your coverage due to the fact you did not make your doctor appointment, nor did you request the appointment in writing 5 business days prior. Your personal Lawyer 2000 program files suit in court to overturn this decision.

10:00AM Your Lawyer 2000 program informs you that your suit was denied.

The new Medic Alert 2001 arrives. The Biohazard team leader plugs it in. It retests you and alerts the doctor 2000 program that new information has arrived. The new information states that you have a hangover from the party last night, (elevated alcohol levels) and not the flu as previously thought.

Since you no longer have medical coverage, your bank account is debited 300.00 for the consultation, 600.00 for lab work and 300.00 for paperwork. Your Finance 2000 program notifies you that your checking account is overdrawn. Your bank account has kicked in the overdraft protection feature of your account and sucked your savings dry.

You are Still short. Your Finance 2000 Program applies for a loan to cover the shortfall and to cover the returned check charges. The Banker 2000 program in reviewing your recent banking activities, grants you the loan by placing a lein on your house, car and computer.

10:05AM Your house 2000 program informs you that the medic alert 2000 had a software bug that caused bogus results. It informs the Lawyer 2000 program which starts suing everone in sight. But your lawyer 2000 program requires office expenses up front.

It examines your finances and determines you need money. It arranges with the bank to put your house car and computer up for Auction.

10:10AM Your tv opens up new windows and informs you that your house, car and computer have sold!

You are still short, as the proceeds did not cover your outstanding debts.

10:11AM Your lawyer 2000 programs files bankcruptcy protection on your behalf. Too late. another software bug.

10:15AM The Police arrive. Daisy is arrested for unpaid parking tickets. Harry is given a clean bill of health and goes back to work.

11:00AM The new owners attempt to enter, but cannot because the health dept. has not recalled the Biohazard alert. It's there, but due to the increased message traffic across the net, the message is stuck waiting to send.

Their Lawyer 2000 program sues for breach of contract.

NOON. Your headache is gone, your house is clean and gone, your car and computer are gone. Your last emails are from the Employment service, the bank, the lawyer 2000 program informing you that all of your suits have been denied, and Welcome messages from the 20 new creditors you have acquired in the course of this mornings events.

Waiting outside are your new AA friends, and the neighbors carrying torches and yard inplements screaming " That's the guy with the Internet House"! Behind them are Process Servers to collect money on behalf of your 20 new creditors. The Police have returned with a number of warrants for your arrest on charges ranging from disturbing the peace to wire fraud.

But, you have many dollars in money saving coupons.

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